Very picky. And we can't quite figure out everything it takes to go back and forth. I just know it's more difficult each time. [ Claire would rather go in the direction of levity, of lighter as soon as they can get there. Annabeth's gesture is met with a small but warm smile, and Claire covers her hand for a moment with her own.
She appreciates her words, and in truth, she wouldn't be telling Annabeth if she didn't trust her, didn't want to try and build something close to what they all shared. It felt nice, to be connected to others, a feeling that she's lacked for most of her life. ]
Twenty years for each of us. When I went back...well. We'd been apart longer than we'd ever known one another. It was awkward. And yes, it was Brianna, our daughter. I raised her, and then she encouraged me to go, to find Jamie again.
[ That feels like a happy note to end on, and not an untrue one. She can't believe sometimes that it's been nearly four years since she's seen her daughter, but Claire shoves that aside and reaches for another cookie. ]
If it gets harder every time, do you think that means one day it might be impossible? [ the question is out before she really thinks about stopping it - she's prone to idly musing aloud on her best and worst days. she does look vaguely apologetic after, because it probably is something claire might have considered, and annabeth doesn't want to make her think of the bad things. ]
[ she lets the whole story sink in for a few moments, processing it as she is wont to do, and idly sipping her coffee as she does, to give her something to do with her hands. it was bad enough being apart from an amnesiac percy for half a year thanks to hera's meddling. she can't fathom twenty years. she doesn't want to. ]
It's really complicated and wildly crazy... almost unbelievable, if we weren't sitting in another world already. [ she pauses. ] Thank you, for sharing it with me.
[ even without the nuances and details, she still appreciates the sentiment of learning this very big part of claire. it does explain a lot. ]
Did you find him again? Before you got pulled here?
[ Claire nods slowly as she chews a bite of the cookie. Once she swallows, answers thoughtfully. ] I think so. Which is why I won't ever try again. When I left Bree, I told her it would have to be forever. It wasn't easy to do. [ But in the end, she'd wanted everything with Jamie that was denied to them, to live the last half of her life the way she wanted.
Reaching out, she gently squeezes Annabeth's arm with her free hand, a look of warmth softening her gaze. ] I know who we are or were to one another other can be confusing right now. Sometimes it's a bit hard to reconcile, even now. But I believe we'll all figure it out. And I wanted you to know the real me, not what the Singularity made me into.
[ When Annabeth asks about a reunion, Claire nods, thinking back to the print shop, to the moment Jamie looked up and saw her, then promptly passed out. ] I did find him, yes. We spent a year and some months together before I was here. And now I've been apart from him again longer than we were reunited.
[ But she isn't sad about it this time. She can't go through all of that sadness and grief she just explained to Annabeth, a second time. She nearly did, stayed holed up, wrote to Jamie as if she were a prisoner of war. But then she made friends, she met others. She discovered magic. and so she's able to smile now, in a way that makes the corners of her eyes wrinkle. ]
But I've found a family here, and the friendships I think I've been looking for my entire life.
[ she doesn't quite know how to feel about that, but it's a far more complicated story than annabeth can truly understand, so she tries not to let her own struggles with parental abandonment color it. perhaps she simply wouldn't be surprised if her father left; in some ways, he'd been gone already long before she'd even run away. ]
Did Bree always know her dad was... in the past? [ that seems like the best way to phrase it. ]
[ but she does understand the desire to be known as herself, and not the god she became. annabeth doesn't want to be that person, even with all her own imperfections now - she doesn't want to transform into another version of her mother. she offers claire a small smile and a nod over it. ]
When things are confusing, we just have to... try and sort the pieces. I'm not that person either. Maybe if we think about it like a three dimensional puzzle...
[ a puzzle of people and emotions. but if she thinks about it like a problem to solve, it feels easier. ]
[ oh. annabeth hasn't found here what claire says she has - family and friends - but she does understand the wanting feeling too, so much so that she suddenly doesn't question why claire would like being here, despite the life she'd led back home. ]
I'm glad you've been able to settle in this place. After everything you've been through, you deserve a little peace.
[ Claire doesn't know how to feel about it either. She hadn't suggested going back at all, it was Bree, but it would be a complete lie to say her heart hadn't surged in her chest right then and there, already halfway to the past. Annabeth's question makes Claire look down which may be answer enough; for better or worse, she'd lied to Bree her entire life, and Claire faced the consequences of that. ]
No. No, she didn't know until Frank died because he forbade it. He had a condition for taking me back. [ She hated Frank for this for so long, but now it just makes her sad for herself, and for Bree, because it might've made things so much easier if she could've raised her daughter alone and peppered anecdotes about Jamie all through her life. Had Frank said yes to divorce any of the times Claire asked, she may never have been a doctor, but maybe her relationship with Bree would've been better. ]
He made me promise I would never speak of Jamie or the past ever again. Not to him, and never to Bree. He would love her and claim her as his, support us, and put me through medical school if I agreed. I asked for a divorce first, but he quickly pointed out I had nothing. After three years in the past, he had control of all the money. I never had a home of my own, I had no family and I was pregnant with nowhere to go. [ What else was she going to do? They both knew even when she asked, she couldn't refuse him. ]
He took everything I was wearing when I returned, everything in my pockets, which included little notes from Jamie, and he burned it to ash. The only thing he let me keep was Jamie's ring, and only that because it was simple silver, made out of a melted-down house key. So there was nothing. Nothing to show for what happened to me except for scars and Brianna herself.
[ And, as Bree so wonderfully pointed out, trying to tell the truth only made Claire look like a 'bored housewife who fucked another man.' Still, she's able to rally and offer Annabeth a small smile. ]
This entire story is why once happiness presented itself here—even with what I have waiting if we're ever forced to leave—I had to take it. I can't ache for something that might not ever be, or could be in two decades. Not again. It's exactly as you said, I deserve a little peace.
[ Which is easier for her to admit because Annabeth said it first. ]
[ the more claire describes frank, the more annabeth's face twists with disgust. she understands societal rules and expectations of different times, but it hardly sounds like jamie was this much of a dickhead and he was from the fucking 1700s. she is aware there could be plenty claire isn't touching on, but she will remain solid in her negative views of frank. she knows and likes claire. she doesn't care what frank was thinking with the context of everything claire has been through. ]
What an asshole.
[ she indignantly shoves another cookie in her mouth to stew on it, to settle with the smile claire offers at the end of it all in the face of the happiness she's managed to find here. it's a far cry from the more mature advice she might have offered claire in the illusion, but it's the truer annabeth version of support. she nods at the older woman's affirmation that she deserves it. ]
As peaceful as things can be in this place, I guess. There's a certain reprieve it offers, in spite of everything.
[ she once told claire she really appreciated thorne's beds, so she supposes she understands that experience of not taking the good of this place for granted. ]
figured we could probably wrap with your next tag?
[ Annabeth's assessment pulls an abrupt laugh out of Claire, a spit take if she'd had a mouthful of coffee. Luckily not, and she laughs until her side aches. ]
Truly, I've waited so long to hear someone else make that exact statement. Thank you, it feels validating in a way I can't explain.
[ She takes a deep breath that feels nice and cleansing and lets it out. ] We'll see how long the peace actually lasts. But I will say that here, I've been less afraid for myself as a woman. That alone is a reprieve from the 18th century.
[ With about half a cup of coffee left, she nods toward the back door. ] Would you like to go look now?
[ yes! she made claire laugh! that's a win! it's a good grade in making adults laugh, which is both reasonable and normal to want to achieve. ]
[ she grins, a little warmly, pleased to have made claire feel a little better too. ] Well, it's true. You're welcome.
[ she exhales a little, and opts for another semi-joke instead of dwelling on the horrors of a misogynistic past. ] Plenty of other dangers besides sexism here to contend with instead.
[ annabeth nods, draining the last of her own coffee. ] Yeah. I really wanna see what it normally looks like.
[ she's still just happy claire wants her around. it feels nice. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
She appreciates her words, and in truth, she wouldn't be telling Annabeth if she didn't trust her, didn't want to try and build something close to what they all shared. It felt nice, to be connected to others, a feeling that she's lacked for most of her life. ]
Twenty years for each of us. When I went back...well. We'd been apart longer than we'd ever known one another. It was awkward. And yes, it was Brianna, our daughter. I raised her, and then she encouraged me to go, to find Jamie again.
[ That feels like a happy note to end on, and not an untrue one. She can't believe sometimes that it's been nearly four years since she's seen her daughter, but Claire shoves that aside and reaches for another cookie. ]
How's all that for a complicated history?
no subject
[ she lets the whole story sink in for a few moments, processing it as she is wont to do, and idly sipping her coffee as she does, to give her something to do with her hands. it was bad enough being apart from an amnesiac percy for half a year thanks to hera's meddling. she can't fathom twenty years. she doesn't want to. ]
It's really complicated and wildly crazy... almost unbelievable, if we weren't sitting in another world already. [ she pauses. ] Thank you, for sharing it with me.
[ even without the nuances and details, she still appreciates the sentiment of learning this very big part of claire. it does explain a lot. ]
Did you find him again? Before you got pulled here?
no subject
Reaching out, she gently squeezes Annabeth's arm with her free hand, a look of warmth softening her gaze. ] I know who we are or were to one another other can be confusing right now. Sometimes it's a bit hard to reconcile, even now. But I believe we'll all figure it out. And I wanted you to know the real me, not what the Singularity made me into.
[ When Annabeth asks about a reunion, Claire nods, thinking back to the print shop, to the moment Jamie looked up and saw her, then promptly passed out. ] I did find him, yes. We spent a year and some months together before I was here. And now I've been apart from him again longer than we were reunited.
[ But she isn't sad about it this time. She can't go through all of that sadness and grief she just explained to Annabeth, a second time. She nearly did, stayed holed up, wrote to Jamie as if she were a prisoner of war. But then she made friends, she met others. She discovered magic. and so she's able to smile now, in a way that makes the corners of her eyes wrinkle. ]
But I've found a family here, and the friendships I think I've been looking for my entire life.
no subject
Did Bree always know her dad was... in the past? [ that seems like the best way to phrase it. ]
[ but she does understand the desire to be known as herself, and not the god she became. annabeth doesn't want to be that person, even with all her own imperfections now - she doesn't want to transform into another version of her mother. she offers claire a small smile and a nod over it. ]
When things are confusing, we just have to... try and sort the pieces. I'm not that person either. Maybe if we think about it like a three dimensional puzzle...
[ a puzzle of people and emotions. but if she thinks about it like a problem to solve, it feels easier. ]
[ oh. annabeth hasn't found here what claire says she has - family and friends - but she does understand the wanting feeling too, so much so that she suddenly doesn't question why claire would like being here, despite the life she'd led back home. ]
I'm glad you've been able to settle in this place. After everything you've been through, you deserve a little peace.
omfg i swear this is the last essay 😭
No. No, she didn't know until Frank died because he forbade it. He had a condition for taking me back. [ She hated Frank for this for so long, but now it just makes her sad for herself, and for Bree, because it might've made things so much easier if she could've raised her daughter alone and peppered anecdotes about Jamie all through her life. Had Frank said yes to divorce any of the times Claire asked, she may never have been a doctor, but maybe her relationship with Bree would've been better. ]
He made me promise I would never speak of Jamie or the past ever again. Not to him, and never to Bree. He would love her and claim her as his, support us, and put me through medical school if I agreed. I asked for a divorce first, but he quickly pointed out I had nothing. After three years in the past, he had control of all the money. I never had a home of my own, I had no family and I was pregnant with nowhere to go. [ What else was she going to do? They both knew even when she asked, she couldn't refuse him. ]
He took everything I was wearing when I returned, everything in my pockets, which included little notes from Jamie, and he burned it to ash. The only thing he let me keep was Jamie's ring, and only that because it was simple silver, made out of a melted-down house key. So there was nothing. Nothing to show for what happened to me except for scars and Brianna herself.
[ And, as Bree so wonderfully pointed out, trying to tell the truth only made Claire look like a 'bored housewife who fucked another man.' Still, she's able to rally and offer Annabeth a small smile. ]
This entire story is why once happiness presented itself here—even with what I have waiting if we're ever forced to leave—I had to take it. I can't ache for something that might not ever be, or could be in two decades. Not again. It's exactly as you said, I deserve a little peace.
[ Which is easier for her to admit because Annabeth said it first. ]
pls i love it
What an asshole.
[ she indignantly shoves another cookie in her mouth to stew on it, to settle with the smile claire offers at the end of it all in the face of the happiness she's managed to find here. it's a far cry from the more mature advice she might have offered claire in the illusion, but it's the truer annabeth version of support. she nods at the older woman's affirmation that she deserves it. ]
As peaceful as things can be in this place, I guess. There's a certain reprieve it offers, in spite of everything.
[ she once told claire she really appreciated thorne's beds, so she supposes she understands that experience of not taking the good of this place for granted. ]
figured we could probably wrap with your next tag?
Truly, I've waited so long to hear someone else make that exact statement. Thank you, it feels validating in a way I can't explain.
[ She takes a deep breath that feels nice and cleansing and lets it out. ] We'll see how long the peace actually lasts. But I will say that here, I've been less afraid for myself as a woman. That alone is a reprieve from the 18th century.
[ With about half a cup of coffee left, she nods toward the back door. ] Would you like to go look now?
5 years later, yes 🎀
[ she grins, a little warmly, pleased to have made claire feel a little better too. ] Well, it's true. You're welcome.
[ she exhales a little, and opts for another semi-joke instead of dwelling on the horrors of a misogynistic past. ] Plenty of other dangers besides sexism here to contend with instead.
[ annabeth nods, draining the last of her own coffee. ] Yeah. I really wanna see what it normally looks like.
[ she's still just happy claire wants her around. it feels nice. ]